There is currently an epidemic that is sweeping the nation: Women everywhere are still not having orgasms.
Sure, conditions have improved since, say, the Stone Age. But the fact is, men are knocking out orgasms like carnival games while women are forever stuck at the top of the ferris wheel (if they even make it that far.) It seems like the most common questions that pop up in the Ask Emily box are pulling at the same thread: How can I finally experience the big O? Why doesn’t my wife enjoy sex and much as I do? Why can I climax on my own, but not with a partner? It all comes back to the case of the missing female orgasm..
So what are the issues standing in between women and regular orgasms, and how the hell can they overcome them? I am so glad you asked. Below are the 5 most common orgasm obstacles and their solutions.
1. You’re getting O-blocked by stress.
Sure, a lot of your orgasm has to do with logistics (what goes where and for how long) but it’s not enough for your body to be stimulated – you also need your brain to help you get in the O-zone and stay there. Orgasm builds from arousal, and it is pretty much impossible to feel aroused when you’re too busy feeling stressed out. Who can think sexy thoughts when you’re also worried about the laundry, that work meeting, tax season, ebola? The list goes on and on.
The Solution: The trick here is to tackle your tension before you even hit the bedroom. Meditate, exercise, take a long hot bath. Do whatever you need to do to unwind and let go of all the unnecessary stressors. That way, by the time you hit the bedroom, there’s only one thing left on your ToDo list: To do it!
2. You’re stuck in your head.
Just because the brain is the largest sex organ doesn’t mean you should set up camp there. A whopping 32% of women in Cosmo’s survey said that they were too in their own head to actually enjoy sex.
You know that saying “A watched pot never boils”? Well, a watched pot never orgasms either. Yes, all of us want to cross that explosive finish line, but a lot of women put so much pressure on themselves to reach that big O that they miss the turnpike altogether.
The Solution: During your next sexual encounter, try not to focus on what’s not happening with your body and appreciate what is. Before you know it, that extra oomph will find it’s way to you. And if not, at least you enjoyed the ride.
3. You forgot the foreplay.
Say it with me everyone: Foreplay is not a suggestion. Foreplay is a requirement. As in, women require foreplay to fully enjoy sex. When you jump right in to intercourse without any real sort of warm up, you’re not giving your body the chance to become fully aroused. It’s like you jumped into a play after the second act and now the whole damn story doesn’t make any sense!
The Solution: However much foreplay you’re currently working with, double it. Triple it, even! Whether it’s through dirty talk, touching, kissing, or a little cunnilingus, try to commit about 15-20 minutes to pre-sex activities. By the time you get to the main event, your body will be warmed up and ready to O.
4. You’re not getting the right kind of stimulation.
In Cosmo’s survey, the majority of women reported getting most of their orgasms either from a sex toy or their hand. So what does that tell us? One, that women know what they like more than their partners do and two, that they require a specific kind of stimulation that a penis just can’t provide. At least not on it’s own, that is.
If you really want to up your chances for frequent orgasms, you’ve got to bring the clitoris into play. That magic little button with its 8,000 nerve endings holds the key to your orgasmic powers.
The Solution: During sex, use your fingers or a hand-held sex toy (the Je Joue Mimi works great for this) to rub your clitoris, keeping in tempo with your partner’s thrusts. The combination of vaginal and clitoral stimulation should provide just the kick you need to put you over the edge.
5. You just need more time.
Half of the women surveyed by Cosmo said they often found themselves so close to orgasm, but couldn’t seem to get over the edge. The truth is that even if you’re in the perfect mindset and are hitting all the right spots, there’s still one thing that every woman needs to cross the big orgasmic finish line: Time. So here’s the issue – the average man reaches orgasm in about 5 to 7 minutes, while the average woman requires at least 20 minutes of direct stimulation. It is into this gap that many female orgasms disappear, never to be seen or heard from again. So how do you bridge this gap?
The Solution: You can try slowing down your movements for a more controlled, sensual sex session, you can employ the start-and-stop method, or you can bring Promescent into the mix! Great things take time, and you deserve to take your time getting to the top and staying there.